Ramblings of a 'know it all'

For those of you who have been waiting for somebody like me to complain to Cadbury’s/Maynards about the outrageous absence of the Pineapple flavoured Sports Mixture over the past month, here is a copy of my recent letter to them.
I’ll let you know when I hear back from those Swines!!

Hello,

I’m writing to complain of the controversial removal of the Pineapple (yellow) class chewing sweet, religiously featured in your ‘Sports Mixtures’ product since it’s conception.

Approximately one month ago, I settled down after a hard day at work to consume a packet of the aforementioned and to my horror, upon reflection after the inevitable sugar crash, I had devoured a pack which offered no Pineapple flavoured nugget of fruitfulness, nor a reasonable explanation surrounding it’s absence.

Over 4 weeks has passed and the situation remains the same, with no explanation on the packet or website as to it’s whereabouts. During this time, North Korea has declared a successor to Kim Jong-Il during the Worker’ Party’s first meeting in 30 years, Kat and Alfie returned to Eastenders, a plan was hatched to remove 33 Chilean miners, who have been trapped underground for 68 days and The British Government announced plans to revoke benefits from the lazy scummers that bum around at home all day whilst the rest of us pay tax, probably consuming ‘Sports Mixtures’.

I would have imagined that during the time it has taken for the these events to unfold, you would have had the chance to notify your loyal customers of any discontinuation or temporary glitches surrounding the disappearance of a much loved juicy treat, either on your website or on the packet itself.

So, in desperation, I decided to proactively approach you for an explanation, which in turn has cost me and you (the reader) valuable time that could have been spent more productively (like eating Pineapple flavoured Sports Mixtures). I now await your immediate, unfathomed response to this tragic disappearance.

Yours,

xxxxxx

Look at this shit. Why would you be stupid enough to name your kids after Adolf Hitler and other Nazi related feats. Apart from the obvious fact that it’s just stupid, what did you expect to happen? Did you think your children would grow to live prosperous, honest, fruitful lives? A doctor, senator, president perhaps?

Poor JoyceLynn Aryan Nation. That’s not even a real name it’s a fucking neo-nazi group!

These parents should be arrested by Alsatians, rubbed down with a house brick, buggered by meat heads and pummelled with stones on a bed of punji sticks.

There are three things that make me fucking angry and I do mean beyond my usual grumpy self:

1. People who lie
2. People who twist words/exaggerate in serious situations
3. People who fail to see the importance of minute detail, especially when relaying second hand information  

For example, lets examine how many different meanings the following phrase can have when different words are accentuated:

• I NEVER said you stole my money
• I never said YOU stole my money
• I never said you STOLE my money
• I never said you stole MY money

Anyway I digress. I really don’t mean to sound like some 15 yr old schoolgirl who’s been dumped because the little twat has ran off with her mate, but what is the fucking point? Just tell the truth, tell it how it is, and don’t twist words to cover your back or make something sound worse or better than it really is. It just makes you look like a mug!

If you’ve got more lies under your hat than the US Government and haven’t got the cognitive capacity to juggle them all, don’t do it you cock!!

Grow some balls, man up, take this big wet fish and slap it round your fucking face!

Comprehensive notes from my conference call

THAT, is fookin’ bang tidy! (In a Keith Lemon voice)

I fucking hate repeating myself, especially when I’m more than 70% confident that the person actually heard what I said. It’s as bad as people who laugh when nothing even remotely funny has been said e.g.

Person 1: “I’ve just come back from the shops”
Person 2: “lol”

To add insult to injury, some people say ‘hhuuuuhh’, ‘sorry?’ or ‘I beg your pardon?’ like they’ve just been completely insulted or can’t believe what I’ve just said.

You heard what I fucking said, and I know you did, because if I don’t respond after you ask me to ‘run it by you one more time’, 9 times out of 10 you answer without me having to say another word. It was a simple fucking question that couldn’t possibly of been misheard, unless you’re a complete twat.

Pull your thumb out of your arse, open your ears and don’t answer me until you’ve actually decided on what you are going to say - You will probably get there a lot quicker if you don’t waste time squawking ’what?!’ like a council estate parrot. 

Me, to an employee

thedailywhat:

Street Art of the Day: Os Gemeos leave their mark on San Diego (where the Viva La Revolucion exhibition opens this weekend) with a gorgeous five-story mural slapped across the back of Horton Plaza.

More photos here.

[a|m.]

Why would you risk your life to paint something so pointless. To be fair, they look like complete fucktards. Get a job, lads.

Apparently, for all you chubby fuckers out there, chocolate can help you live longer. So next time you are standing in a queue with a metric ton of the stuff and can hear everybody saying “No wonder s/he is the size of a house” you can turn round and say “well actually…”

Chocolate has antioxidants that can protect you against heart disease. Dark chocolate has 8 times the amount of antioxidants than strawberries. The flavonoids help relax blood pressure by producing nitric oxide.

In other words, you will need to eat 8 times the amount of milk chocolate if you want to be as healthy as those who eat 1 bar of dark choc!

A small bar of dark chocolate every day can help lower your blood pressure and cholesterol. Chocolate also has serotonin which acts as an antidepressant.

Also, while chocolate has fat, most of the fat in chocolate does not impact your cholesterol. Chocolate is still high-calorie and high-fat, so you need to eat in moderation. You don’t need more than about 3.5 ounces of chocolate to receive the benefits.

If you want to eat chocolate to improve your health, eat dark chocolate because it has the most antioxidants, don’t eat too much of it, and don’t eat it with milk. Milk can prevent your body from processing the antioxidants.

Next week we look into how KFC chickens, especially those with no head or feet, can cure cancer after being deep fat fried in semen…

STAND ON THE FUCKING RIGHT!

That is all.